When I was about 9 I realized a dream I had might be more than just a dream...
A lot of not so pleasant things happened directly related to the only ways I could possibly see to "administer" those dreams.. I got angry at the people who I thought should have been the ones to "help God out" but were not... I grew discouraged with even believing a dream like that could happen in my life and that lead to disappointment in God... So I decided to just forget about the dream all together; that way I could be a better person, not getting angry with people who didn't seem to be aware of my dream and what they needed to do to help it come to pass for me or be frustrated with God for being such a procrastinator in my eyes...
The problem is, forgetting is never easy, although it seems like a great idea at the time of conception it, in fact, may prove to be impossible. I certainly did let go of the dream and shortly thereafter forgot to believe in it's possibilities. In some ways it was helping, I got to experience God and his work through my life in many other ways, I looked for positive ways I could impact the people around me in place of what I felt I was made to do which opened up a whole new world of ministry to me (that's when I started writing and encouraging others...) The only time I really felt good about my own life was when I was pouring myself and my encouragement into whatever spaces seemed to need filled. Since no one seemed to believe in my dream I made it a personal goal to ensure everyone around me knew I believed in their dreams and supported them whole-heartedly. I didn't have to have sleepless nights, any longer, when things happened that were against how I thought my dream should play out and while not completely forgetting I could, at that point, live numb to the disappointment of my unfulfilled dreams.
Along the way there have been clear reminders, words spoken and signs but I just wouldn't really allow myself to believe they were about my dream. I convinced myself the God was talking to someone else and when it was obvious that wasn't the case I convinced myself he wasn't talking about the dream I had originally thought and I had been wrong about my dreams from the beginning.
Reciently I was praying in church during a song called "Breakthrough" I felt like God was again talking to me, this time I actually seemed to hear him ask me "What about your dream? Have you forgotten it?" It's a hard thing for me to disappoint anyone, but when I think I'm disappointing God I pretty much change my tune ("change my tune" may be a very New Brunswick saying ha!) about any issue. I'm sure God knows that about me (since he created me) and uses it to his advantage when he's dealing with important issues I seem to have made my mind up about, ha! And for the record, I don't mind that he uses my personality against me for that. I didn't really say (or pray) much in response to that question, just something along the lines of "no, you know I haven't forgotten, I just had to put it in the back of my mind to get rid of the pain." Of course he came back with "Will you take it up again? Believe in it?" I didn't respond at all for a while, just cried because, for me, that's a lot to take on again... All I could think of was the scripture with Jesus asking to "take up your cross" and follow him... See, my dream is something I feel is completely beyond anything I can "Make happen" and when I don't see progress but still have to believe it will happen feel stupid for allowing myself to believe in the first place... A few moments passed with me searching for an escape from the conversation but then I felt His disappointment, it seemed as if he turned around and started walking away, not from me in general, just from that part of my life (if that makes sense at all). Although I'm not sure he said anything, it seemed to be implied that it wasn't the dream I wasn't believing in, it was God's ability to make the dream happen. I quickly recanted my prior hesitation and explained "I wasn't saying I wouldn't believe in my dream I was just thinking it through because it was hard for me..." I talked to him about the hurt and complications with taking it back and asked for a bit of time... I went back to my seat as quickly as possible when we were told we could. I was hoping God and I both would forget about that little conversation without any guilt on my part and I could have probably found a way to convince myself, again, that I was wrong about what He was intending to talk to me about.
Then Justin (the Youth Pastor at my church) preached a message about dreams and I knew it was confirmed that God was in fact talking to me about my dream again. Justin's message totally disarmed any defense of "I was wrong about what God was talking about" or "I must have misunderstood God" I could have come up with... There was a point made about loneliness not being an enemy but we are to independent and God uses loneliness and seclusion to make us realize we are not ok to do everything on our own and to make us depend on him which was perfect for me to hear... At any given point during the speaking, it could have been just Justin, God and I sitting in a room talking about my life.
In the alter after the service was over I was feeling guilty for turning my back on something I should have believed. Remembering the pain and discouragement I faced before giving up on my dream and somehow trying to work through it and step back into a litfe with a vision.. I was praying about fear and doubt and the face that I didn't know how God was going to bring my dreams to pass but I didn't want to doubt Him anymore, I didn't want to be afraid of the dream or my abilities not being good enough... Grace (a new personal friend and Justin's wife) Came and prayed with me... Most of it was not in my ear but the part she did whisper loud enough for me to hear was about fear and doubt and once again I knew God was speaking. Grace's words were actually direct opposition to the things I was scared of, and it was cool to have God stand someone beside.
So now I am standing, dream in hand, not knowing or even trying to figure out how it will happen just waiting for it to happen and looking for ways to show faithfulness and trust in the meantime.
That was pretty much a book, thanks for taking the time to read! You're wonderful and DON'T YOU FORGET IT! It's not a mistake you've read this, maybe you should think about a dream you've let go and considre picking it back up agian!
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