Hi all! I bet you've missed me these past two weeks, right? Well I did miss writing but I was in Florida on vacation... Which I probably should have told you all earlier, like before I left, but I honestly had all intentions of writing while I was there! Unfortunately I was never in my room with time to myself until at least 11:00 and by then I was just too exhausted. And now I will stop making excuses for my neglect and just say I'm sorry... "I'm sorry." Anyway, today I again forgot to have something all written up to post at lunch so I had to do it after work and that's why I'm later today... But hey, it's still blogthursday, right!? Right!
I unfortunately (again with that word) don't have anything brilliant to share and this blog isn't even on the spiritual, inspirational or enlightening side (I can hear the boos now! ha!) I've been faced with some conversation lately that has bothered me and I just wanted to share a couple of pieces with you all... And I would encourage you whether you're single or married to read to the end because even you married ones may gain a different perspective on this subject.
Earlier today one of my office's long time clients came in... The conversation quickly turned personal as it often does and he was relating a story about getting in trouble for giving an honest answer... Just one of those cases when he could have said something a little differently and gotten his point across without causing any harsh feelings but he had no clue he was about to become offensive by answering a question. Now, he is a man and to some extent I give him a pass for not knowing because let's face it, men don't always understand the emotional side of conversation like us women do, ha! The rest of my story isn't about him, that conversation was just the convincing factor in deciding to go ahead and write this blog... Because maybe, if he didn't know he was being offensive because he didn't have a female point of view shared that's what is happening to some extent with the following:
While in Florida a familiar subject came up with my family... Why my cousin and I are still single. My auntie (who I actually love, before you all go getting any ideas and try to get something stirred up! ha!) asked me if I was interested in a certain someone... The issue? When I said no and explained why, which really was more about what wasn't there for me than any problems I see with him, I was asked "Well, does he have a job? Is he nice? Is he a Christian?" Of course he is and I answered truthfully (looking back I could have just said no to any one of those and have avoided with the lecture... Note to self.) The lecture proceeded "Well, those are the requirements you know!" And before I continue I would like to address this thought with seriously? That's it, I can only have three requirements!? What if he's an sweaty, acne prone, haggle tooth, glutton!? Should I (and any other single person) look past all else except those three requirements!? I don't think so. Now, on with the lecture... "You need to lower those standards and settle down! Just go on a date, try it, give him a chance whether you think you like him or not!" (may not be the exact quote... But close.) Here's my thoughts on the second part: I am of the personal opinion there is someone for everyone and just because I have certain requirements doesn't mean my cousin has the same, maybe she would be deeply in love with someone I wouldn't even consider or vice versa... Then is it really fair of me to "settle" for "good enough" or should I reject the possibility so he has the chance to find someone else who would actually feel honored to have such a partner? I mean, personally, I would never want a man to "settle" for me, I want someone who thinks he's "married up" and I'm a prize, I want to adore someone and I want him to adore me... Now that being said before you marrieds get all up in arms, I do realize love grows over time and I don't expect necessarily to find love at first sight but there should a little something to begin with. I never have and don't want to just go out with someone because I'm asked... If you can do that congratulations, I had a friend who would always just say "GO! It's a free meal!" and I wish I could adopt that attitude at points but I cannot! I feel like I'm accepting a gift under false pretenses. I can't just "give him a chance" because he's asked for one, it's not fair to me or him if I just go for the sake of going... There has to be a reason or interest or at the very least curiosity before I can go.
Thankfully I had my cousin and an aunt and uncle who could see my point of view and helped me through that conversation but I still have something left to say... And this is the part you marrieds need to pay attention to. I know you're just trying to figure out a way to help me find a husband when you ask "why aren't you married yet!?" or ask "why don't you just go out with him, you may end up liking him?" or say "when is yours" when you see me at a wedding... I get it and I'll even be polite and maybe funny when you do ask me these questions but what I really want to say is "JUST STOP ASKING ME! I DON'T KNOW!" not because I'm angry with you for your concern but because I don't know and I wonder the same things, that guy you think I should give a chance to is a great guy and I wish I could like him but I don't and as far as when... When I get my crystal ball repaired I'll let ya know! But seriously, I love that you think I deserve a good man, because I do, but instead of asking those questions just support me and tell me how great I am or even keep an eye out for a new guy to introduce me to! ha! Better than all of that just pray for me.
And what I also want to admit to, this is the part EVERYONE needs to pay attention to... I don't necessarily "like" being single but I am "comfortable" being single. Yes, of course I want to find love but I will not force love. I want to find the one not the perfect one but perfect for me... You know, my soul mate... And yes I believe God makes them for us! So all you married people please don't pity me, I'm okay for now but pray for me because I do desire a mate in my future. And all you singles like me who can't settle... Don't worry about it! Be okay with it! Be picky! Not overly picky or scared but don't give up on everything you want and proceed with caution... "Follow your heart but take your brain with you!" - unknown as tweeted by lovequotes Power to the single people! haha!
You know I love you all and truthfully I probably just needed to vent... But I hope you've all taken something away from this you can apply in your own life and/or relationships.
And last but not least a music video my friend shared with me because it reminds her of me... I would like to share with you :o)
13 comments:
Interesting blog.
First, I don't think your Aunt was saying that those were the ONLY requirements, I think she was saying that those were the requirements that could not be removed from the list ... then you add the rest according to your desires.
Second, I think you're wrong when you can't "give him a chance". Have you ever heard they saying you can't judge a book from a cover? Well, it's true with people too you know. Give a guy a chance! Do you also make friends based on their appearance?
I'll tell you a story that may help to change your mind. There was a guy who was interested in my friend. They first talked at a gathering at a mutual friend's house. The guy liked her. They went out on hikes together, went out for dinner once .... She decided that he was a nice enough guy and one she wanted to be friends with, but not someone that she would ever date or be in a relationship in as there was no "attraction" for her and "no chemistry". Well, she came down to visit me and couldn't figure out why he wasn't texting her any longer. She missed their conversations and their time together. Weeks went by and she still did not hear from him. She decided to give him a call ... they decided to take their dogs for a hike. He did not bring up the issue of dating again. She was disappointed. She all of a sudden realized that she really was "attracted" to him ..... She asked him out on a date (seeing as he was not going to after she had turned him down!) ... and you know what? She thinks he is the hottest thing going and they now have an awesome marriage! (And I'm not even close to exaggerating!) Go figure! And if she had never gone out for dinner with him? She definitely would have missed out on God providing her with a soul mate. No joke.
I agree with you that you have to be attracted to someone, but I also think that what your version of attraction is, will change after one date. (Yes, that's all it takes when he's 'the one'.) BUT if you don't give that person the chance at one date ... you are potentially refusing what God is providing for you (because indeed we have human eyes and do not always know that the answer to our prayers is standing right in front of us.)
Sincerely,
"You Married People" who got happily married in her late 20s
P.S. I'm not saying lower your standards, I'm saying give a man a chance! It's not forcing love .... in essence, it is finding love and it's giving love a chance!
Love this Suzie-K!!
Hey "you married people" haha I don't know whether to hate you or love you! ha! I did want to address a couple of your comments in public though... I knew while writing this blog there could be a chance at confusion... I didn't think my aunt was trying to put me down necessarily but "perception is reality" in this case and it sometimes the intent of a comment doesn't matter as much as the interpretation.. It's kind of like if you have a feature you hate about yourself, say your nose.. You never talk about it because you're not a whiner but it is something you think about and are conscious of... If your aunt tells you about a great plastic surgeon who specializes in noses you would still be offended she thought of you when she heard of him! haha!
As far as "don't judge a book by it's cover" and "do you choose your friends based on appearance too?" Ummm... Clearly that's not what any of this blog was about... I'm not even necessarily talking about looks. Not to mention I don't think you have to go on a one on one date to figure out if there is "something there" for someone else. And the person I was asked about I have hung around enough to know it's a no... Just not actually went on a date. And I do know attraction in the physical sense is nothing compared to some other things... And attraction can grow as well. In fact, I've even grown attracted to a friend because of the man he is not because I thought he was a hottie from the beginning :oP
It's okay to disagree with me... You have the right to be wrong! haha! Just kidding. As I said I sometimes wish I were different but I'm not. I still would not waste someone's time by going on a date when nothing is going to come of it, and yes, sometimes just like you know when you know you know when there's nothing. Also with my particular situation, I've never been asked out by someone I didn't know well enough to know whether or not they have a chance to win my heart so I'm confident in the "nos" up to this point at least... Of course that being said I have had to say no a couple of times because I had other plans and when you don't get asked again because you've said no for that reason it's absolutely no good! ha!
All of that being said your story was great and inspiring :oD I love any love story anyone wants to tell! And that story will come to mind next time I'm asked out haha! For the record, I usually try not to slam the door shut, I try to build friendship without dating for a while until I know I do or do not want to take that step or just keep the casual friendship going.
Honestly, I love that you took the time to respond and actually give me something to think about... So thank you very much and please don't hesitate to share again!
I love this! I've watched so many singles in my family and church struggling with this. I admit, I'm a "married people" who got married at the ripe old age of 18 *gasp*. Many of my young single friends felt like I was jumping in and not experiencing life the way I should (in fact, my single friends were pretty judgy at the time). For me, I couldn't have found anyone better to walk beside on this crazy road we call life. God has truly blessed.
One thing (not judging. I repeat, this is me, NOT judging, lol) that I realized is that I had a list of requirements and they were pretty rigidly detailed. Like minutely, planned to the heartbeat sort of detailed. Ok, let's just say the bar was high. Probably impossibly high. But I found through a year long friendship with my now husband that my requirements were beginning to mold around him. And just to be clear, I am not/was not That Girl who would change her hobbies, habits, and complete personality for any guy and lose ME in the process. We are very much two seperate people with very different likes and dislikes and just enough in common to keep us liking each other. ;)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if my requirement was that he had to have a good job, education, sense of humor, etc...I began to realize the List of Requirements that had once been so rigid were becoming a little more pliable.
You see, he didn't have to have the best job but he had to be a hard and dedicated worker. He didn't need to be the smartest, but he had to love to learn and experience new things. I didn't want a stand up comic, be he sure better make me laugh! What I'm trying to say is, I had a list of extremely HIGH standards. I was convinced I'd never marry someone until these standards were met to the level I deemed necessary.
But God. He knew better than I what I needed and luckily I listened. The funny thing is, looking back, my husband was/is so far from what I considered "my type" and yet we've been happily married through good times and bad for almost 13 years! Sometimes it's an odd pairing, especially to people around you, but don't ever let that get in the way of what God may have in store for you!
Now, that is not to say that you should go on every date you're asked out on. You know if there is something there & you CAN expect casual friendship FIRST. Any guy not willing to be your friend will never be worthy to be your husband!
Anyway, that's my two sense. Have your requirements (and line him up to them) but don't be shocked if one or two don't seem as important in the end! :) Oh, yeah...and that whole "When's it your turn?" question...it only stops for a minute. Once you've hooked your man, they'll wanna know "When's it your turn?" for a baby!! Hehehe!
Joys2Boys... I love you! haha! Seriously though, I totally get what you are saying and love all of it! Especially "You see, he didn't have to have the best job but he had to be a hard and dedicated worker. He didn't need to be the smartest, but he had to love to learn and experience new things. I didn't want a stand up comic, be he sure better make me laugh!" So true! I find once you're friends with someone and get to know them before either one expressing feelings or before dating you just know them not who they want you to see and the real them who you really want to fall for anyway! Friedship first!
I also love "Now, that is not to say that you should go on every date you're asked out on. You know if there is something there & you CAN expect casual friendship FIRST. Any guy not willing to be your friend will never be worthy to be your husband!" So true... Basically if a guy wants to date you but you need a little more communication via whichever method before making a decision to take it into a "dating relationship" and he refuses, he's not worth it. If he can't talk and listen and be friends just having fun now, he won't be able to give you that afterward either :o)
Thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated by me and I'm sure many of the readers! I've read Dr. Phil's "Date smart" and he gets you to write out your list of requirements, then in the next chapter he makes you take out the "wants"... Then half that etc. He said you need to find Mr. 80% and that's Mr. Right :o) Have always liked that thought and try to keep it in the forefront of my mind!
Again, loved you comment! Thank you! And keep 'em coming!
Good blog, everyone should read!
Mom
Just read your blog and it's pretty awesome!
Great read!
Be you, and don't settle. Love and happiness find single people and married people, just in different ways. But I do believe there is someone for you!
Awe! thanks John!
I think the following article is a great read in light of the post: http://www.boundlessline.org/2012/02/willing-to-settle.html
Have a great day!
I've posted a clarification on this blog... Also a response to the boundless line's blog :o) check it out! http://suzie-k.blogspot.ca/2012/04/couldnt-leave-well-enough-alone.html
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