Tuesday, January 20, 2015

In Process: Type A and Getting Comfortable

Well how's this for honesty, I've found myself telling someone a few times in the past couple of weeks that I can't be pressured into decisions... The more I feel you want me to make a decision (especially if I know what way you would like to sway my decision) the less I want to make it. Ugh, what an undesirable quality to admit to... Nevertheless, it's just something I deal with. Now, I don't always let that stop me from making a decision but I have to admit, it's sometimes difficult to make the decision expected of me simply because I don't like expectations in general.

Another of my decision irritations is not having all the information I would like... Many times in life I've had to make decisions with less information that I felt was needed, I know, "you take what you have and go with your gut" but I am a little type A (a little, yeh, we will pretend that exists) I analyze and try to use logical thoughts and basis. I don't like the whole world of no guarantees or grey areas, I want black and white, if I need more information I want to be able to get it immediately.  Even if I'm planning a trip I want to just mention it once and book it right away, that's not how it ever works out and I resent that, ha!

It's a strange thing for me to be so adamant about decision making timeline and process because in many ways I am a "go with the flow" type of girl... When I'm on vacation I don't want a timed itinerary, maybe an idea of the day but if we are driving and see a cute restaurant I want to be able to stop and explore, if there's a beach just around the corner I may want to stick my toes in that should, and if you try and wake me with an alarm clock you may not make it back home..... 

Lately there's been some decisions in life that don't need to be made now but I want to make them now, it's all I can do to just let myself experience the process of "finding out." There are people around me who think they already know the decisions I should make and others that don't understand why it's so difficult for me... When I say difficult I mean, I can actually make myself feel nauseous just thinking about it for too long, ha! Okay, I don't understand that one either actually, but apparently it runs in the family? 

It's difficult for me to be open to learning and experiencing when I don't know the outcome... I so wish I was one of those "throw caution to the wind" and "just don't think about it" types but alas, I'm plagued with an hyperactive mind, haha! I'm trying to learn, forcing myself to realize that not knowing outcomes is part of life and it can actually be an exciting part.  We cannot hold ourselves to account for allowing a process to take place only to be disappointed in the end, because even when we are handed a less than desirable outcome we've learned to be open to possibility in the process. Sometimes we must make decisions one step at a time and if one day we end up leaning in a completely different direction then we had thought at the beginning, that's okay too.  

There have been a few things I've been telling myself lately (and that friends have been telling me) that have helped me to just go through the experience of "finding out" in a situation I might normally cut off too quickly... First, "don't over think" - trust me, I'm the queen of thinking and this is much easier said than done, but at least for the first part it helped me to repeat this to myself internally each time my mind journeyed a bit too far. I would distract myself with other thoughts and make myself forget for a minute and it helps.  Second, "It's okay not to know and to find out, even when things don't work out as you have thought." It's a normal part of life not to know everything and to proceed cautiously with what you know in the moment. Give yourself space to find out you were wrong, or too positive, it's better to have found out that way than to find out you halted a blessing from being poured out into your life. Third, "treat it as training" - at first glance this may not make sense in all situations but if you take a minute it will... Even when things don't work out we learn, we are better next time... And even if there is no improvement to skill with respect to the situation we can improve in dealing with trust, with experiencing, with being comfortable in process.

The experience, journey and process is life and if we are avoiding the process because we want (or don't want) to make decisions we are missing the point.  Sometimes life requires we take the scenic route and sometimes we never reach the intended destination... But who's intentions are they? If they are only a destination we thought we should end up in then it may be okay not to end up there... We need to pray more about the process and trust that if we take it one step at a time with prayer guiding us we will end up in the destination God has planned we should go and that's better than any place we could imagine in the first place!  The bible says in Psalm 37:23 "The steps of a good man [or woman] are ordered by the Lord..." so if you're praying and actually talking to God asking Him for his opinion and direction, if you are taking the Word you know and searching for His will than your steps will be ordered and you shouldn't be worrying about it! Put your faith not in the process itself but in the God of the process. There is also a second half of that scripture "and He delighteth in his way!" God delights when we are experiencing the way, the journey, the process... Trusting His direction brings Him delight even when it sometimes brings us Type A people an ulcer! ha (okay, it's not quite that bad.) So here's to being comfortable while still in process!

Saturday, January 3, 2015

2015 in all its Glory

Hi all, it's been too long! I'm sure you've noticed... Well, I was "advised" to take a break by someone rather new to advisement... And, although I spoke with someone I trust and was told I definitely didn't need to pause my writings, I decided it couldn't harm me... I had been needing some time for my own private thoughts and prayers and personal growth and it would show God that I'm serious about my relationship with him, no matter what he asks.  At first I planned to take one month but one turned into two, into three, and well, you know. It's a strange thing really, I feel so much has changed yet the surroundings are the same. 

So what's the plan for 2015 in all its glory? I have no idea, and that's okay.  I have no real new year resolutions or set-in-stone strategy written out but I will experience everything the year has to offer in its fulness! My intention for the year is to live heart wide open! I will move forward with purpose and passion! I will work on myself and change the rough edges. I will pray and worship with all my strength. I will focus my mind on good things and remember the grace given me. I will extend grace to those around me. I will continue to learn how to love myself better and motivate myself into a kinder, stronger, wiser self. 

You may not notice change immediately, maybe not ever, but I will continue to change and you should too! Whatever it is that makes you a better person, you know what it is, take time for yourself to think about it, be intentional about your actions, don't give up as soon as you slip back into the old way of your mind, appreciate the fact that you now recognize that it is your old way and get up the next day with new resolve to move forward. It's okay to have a bad day, we all do and will, give yourself room to make mistakes, the road to success always passes failure.