The Have To's

What do you want out of life? Do you have a plan? Do you keep the final goal in mind with every decision you make? I do, I have a plan, a vision, promises of where my life is going. I haven't necessarily written everything down on paper (although some things have been written down for me) but it is written on the pages of my heart and in the forefront of my mind with every decision I make. I do, however, find myself wondering if anyone else understands the dilemma involved in having a bright future planned out... It is wonderful, knowing what to do with your life, but knowing alone doesn't necessarily make the process easy nor help you with which decisions will help or hinder the result. There are some (if not all) decisions that "have to" be made with the end result in mind... Sometimes I don't think it's fair that I have to always be thinking about my future and what one bad decision would cost me... Sometimes I don't get what I think I want because I know it's not what is best... Sometimes I make decisions that effect other people in my life and they rarely understand me. Most times I don't allow my heart to lead and in a world that is all about "follow your heart" who could understand that? Making the hard decisions to get me to my goals has caused me pain, frustration, loss of friendship and countless sleepless nights but how can I turn my back on my destiny; and if I could, where would I go from there? So far, after all the dust is settled and my life seems to be clear of all the distractions around, I have no regrets. There are things I have given up because I knew they weren't "right" for me. Things that appeared to be "right" from all vantage points I have thrown away because I couldn't make myself feel peace with allowing them into my life. Relationships with people have been ended because eventually if your paths are going in opposite directions it's hard to understand what the other person is saying or whether they are standing beside you, supporting you. There are some parts of me wishing I could let go of my future for some people or opportunities in my present... If I could have my cake and eat it too I totally would and so would you so don't furrow your brow in disapproval :o). There are some people, and relationships with those people, I will always think about and miss, even try to hold on to pieces of what once was or might have been. I cry for the ones I have hurt, who don't and are not expected to understand why I say "no" to an authentic, heart-felt offer when I so obviously desire to just go with the flow and wish I didn't "have to" (and if you're reading this and I've hurt you, I'm sorry and I haven't forgotten the gift of friendship you gave me, nor have I thrown it away). But maybe that's the confusing part, the "have to." After all, how can it be a "have to" decision when the offer is right in front of you and all that's really required to possess it is that you accept? There is no "have to" when it comes to turning away a gift, is there? In my world, no matter what internal conflict I may be facing, there is definitely a "have to" decision to be made at any moment... Because I "have to" go where God has promised I could... I have to because my greatest desire is to go wherever he wants me to be.. I know he has "good plans for me, to prosper and not to harm me" and I want those plans to be fulfilled in my life... It's not that I don't desire other things as well, it's that if there is a conflict between the two desires, the greater (God's plan) must always win out, and if there is a question of something getting in the way of those plans I would rather play it safe until I have a definitive answer. I realize that everyone reading this will either be in the "have to" category or be effected by someone who is. (Interjection: We are all "have to's", if you don't think you are just think about where your life is an how it got there... Either you're in a good place and on track to your goals or you're off track because you have somewhere along the way refused to make the hard decisions to get you there... Good news, if you are of the second category, it's never too late to make the right decisions and I'm sure you already know a couple that could help if you weren't procrastinating... Often we know how to get ourselves out of a mess but we choose not to because it's an uncomfortable process. Wow, I sound like a therapist sometimes, ew!) I know that when you are on the receiving end of a "have to" decision (which we all, including myself, have been) it's never easy to understand the reasoning but I hope some of the words in this blog make enough sense to help you at least to understand that sometimes it's really not as much about you as it is the other person's life direction ("It's not you, it's me" actually does apply in some cases ha!). No matter how we try to convince ourselves "the little decisions don't matter, they can't possibly change that much", "what's a little break from reality?", "do what you want right now and worry about the consequences later" and "whatever will be, will be... If it's meant to be, it will happen" we can't forget our future and we have to make even the awkward, hard and sometimes contrary decisions to get us there. For the "Have to's" reading this, please find encouragement that although for some reason it seems we are alone in the rough decisions to our long term goals, we are not. I get it, I despise the process with the best of them at times, but I can honestly say that with every step (even the backward ones) I'm closer to my goal now than when I first decided to do whatever it took to get there and that somehow makes all the junk we have to wade through worth every single moment!