Hi guys, I'm trying to get back into this whole writing thing... I do want to apologize for procrastinating, it's not even that I have nothing to say lately, nor am I too busy... I'm not sure what has stopped me from writing. I know it's not lack of people asking me to write, or telling me to get back at it and I do appreciate the support and interest, I'm sorry, I've been a bad blogger. I'm sure there is a lesson in it and when I figure one out, I'll share with you! ha! Or, if you know the lesson, why don't you share it with me!? Now I am a head full of topics and I'm trying to figure our which I should write first...
One of my recent lessons has been particularly difficult for me... There's been a lot of changes going on for me lately... Well, when I think about it, it's sort of a constant in my life actually. Growing up we moved around, a lot, like a lot, a lot... I seemed to always be joining new schools and being the new girl when you're young is no fun, at least not for a shy kid. I remember my dad trying to comfort me by telling me "you just need one good friend..." Somewhere along the way that got changed around in my mind like I need one friend who is my best friend, meaning they choose me over anyone else, they like me better, they always take my side... Well, we all know how that's going to go in the early years of school... Not going to happen if you're the new girl every year.
In adulthood, not much changed for me, I have still been looking for that one BFF who chooses me over anyone else, likes me better than the rest of our friends, and always takes my side (even against themselves 😜) and that just seems so silly, even to me... But I just could never seem to shake it. I've had a few of those close friendships in my time, there are a few I still have now... Although, separated by life's timeline, distance and schedules. I actually just made another of those friendships and once again have been separated by life circumstance and my new friend having to move away... I actually said to someone who asked how I felt about it, "I have no right to feel anything but supportive, but completely selfishly speaking, I've thought maybe it's just not meant for me to have a friend who I can just call and hang out with or travel with... It's just not meant for me to have one of those friends I see everyone else have around them." Now, before you go scolding me in your mind, I'm not looking for pity, this is going somewhere, hold on to your delicates... I also don't want to diminish the friendships I do have, they are wonderful and I appreciate them so much, I love each of my close friends and I will be there for you - as I know you would be for me - at any time you need someone... I am however aware that we are adults and well, life is dumb sometimes and creates physical and time distance and that can sometimes make some people (me) feel lonely, or left out... Sort of like those memes you see "all my friends getting married and making families and I'm just here like, pizza is good."
When my newest friend came into town there was a struggle, I wanted to befriend her because she was cute, looked nice and I was told people who know both of us thought we should be friends (that sounds really strange written out but it's not, she moved to a new Province knowing very few people.) Anyway, the struggle was sort of why put the effort in if everyone else is going to as well and then I just get left back like when I was a child... Then it became how much effort do I put in? You see, for me, because of the changes when I was young and because of it being difficult to be the new kid all the time, I've come out with some thoughts that yes, some consider weak and silly and even I know aren't always rational or mature but change is a process and I'm still going through... So sometimes, I feel like putting effort in is scary, I have a hard time gauging how much effort is too much or not enough, I've been a score-keeper, you don't invite me so I won't invite you... I've given too much trust too soon and not enough trust to people who deserved it... I've chosen some to bring close and been looked over as they chose other people... So, now I find myself looking at friendship as a lot of difficult decisions that end in hurt either by dumb life separation or by people just clicking with others better... And the song "jaded" comes to mind, oh Garth Brooks, I love you.
Another experience I had happen to me as I was going through the "to friend or not to friend" struggle (and the struggle is real) was on Easter weekend... I found myself on the opposite end of all the feelings I wrote about above... I hurt someone else... And they confronted me. Somewhere in my explanation that I didn't mean to hurt them, I just didn't see them when they saw me, I realized as I was explaining to that person why they shouldn't feel hurt, I was explaining to myself why I shouldn't feel scared of giving my efforts into other people. I was telling her that how other people respond doesn't reflect on her, and so, it does not. I was saying how she has to remain open to people regardless of the hurt in the past, and so, we do... I told her of an experience I had just days before where I was left out of a little road-trip and got my feelings hurt, but that my feelings were hurt, not because they did wrong but because of my past experiences that, much like a sunburn does to skin, have made me a little more susceptible to the sting... I perceive some things as rejection when they are just not and that I need to work on that, I need to remind myself that it's my perception amiss and is not the reality of what is happening on the other end, and so, we do.
Driving in my car a few times over the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot on my past and how it has changed my though process in negative ways... I've challenged the negative and tried to look at the other side of what really happened in the situations that hurt me... And I will continue to work on myself. I have decided I know one thing, pouring myself into the lives of others is as much for me as it is for them! I love helping people! I like that I can be a really great friend to people, if I allow myself. I love that no matter how many times life knocks the wind out of my sails with regards to personal relationships, I do have the power to get out there again and I'm reminded of that every time I struggle to make a decision on effort giving, or level of giving. I'm only able to make a decision on how much to give, how close to get, the effort level I should expend because I am capable of giving more, of allowing people to get closer, of putting in more effort... And if I'm capable, regardless of my past sunburn, I should do it... AND, if you struggle with any of this, so should you.