All the way

"When somebody loves you; It's no good unless he loves you all the way... Deeper than the deep blue see is. Thats how deep it goes if it's real. When somebody needs you, it's no good unless he needs you all the way. Through the good or lean years and for all the in-between years, come what may. Who know where the road will lead us? Only a fool would say. But if you'll let me love you, it's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way" - Frank Sinatra Now you know 2 things about me: I'm a romantic at heart (truth be known, every woman, if she is strong enough to admit, is a romantic) and I only like to do things "all the way". I've never been a "faker", not really able to temper many of my words if someone wants my true opinion... "Does this look good on me?" Response, "Ah... no." Known for being a little too outspoken (hey, I'm working on the sugary wording).. One day while walking down a main street with my mother, in the middle of a 'small-talk' sort of conversation, I realized I didn't truly know the one person who I was supposed to be in the most important relationship with. Uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, I froze on the spot. Mom, looking back, realizing she was now having conversation with herself, asked "Are you alright? What happened?" My reply, although now faded memory went something like "I don't even know him... My whole family knows him, I know his relationship with them, I know the words he would speak to anyone int any given situation, have read all his letters to me, spent countless hours talking about him and even too him directly, yet, somehow, I've lost who he is!" (Yes, I realize that's a run-on sentence, but it was when I spoke it.) Quite a shocker from the light, fluffy conversation we were having just seconds ago, mom fell silent. "I'm not doing anything just because I know it's an appropriate action, not speaking words just because they are expected, not putting on a face just because I know people are watching, I have to get real!" The conversation went on as mum turned me around and headed back toward home with onlookers most likely thinking I had just received horrible news (you get the point, I'm sure).

So, I started by telling him what was going on with me, it's not that I wanted out of the relationship at all, not that he had done anything wrong (in fact, just the opposite, it was the best love I ever had and have since experienced) but I needed some time to back up and make sure I was being honest with him. I made sure to spend time with him to show him I was serious about the relationship and re-building true, pure love. I'm sure I hurt his feelings but he certainly didn't make me feel out of line and after a few awkward times of silence he seemed to almost enjoy starting over.

I'm not sure what it was that got me lost in the first place.. Maybe it was eyes watching or the judgements people passed, possibly my expectations of how it "should be" then trying to navigate the path to those imaginary places on my own.. Maybe it was the lack of conversation about those expectations in the first place.. or possibly it was my eyes on other people's relationships and my own judgements about what went on behind closed doors the lead me astray.. Whatever it was, I just wanted authenticity and the only way I knew I could possibly get there was to strip the relationship down to its foundation.

My questions: Why did I fall in love with him in the first place? Did I really fall in love with him or my ideals of who he was supposed to be? If I didn't fall in love with him, is it possible now? Am I a horrible person because after years of time he invested in me I am just asking these questions now?

My Answers: I don't know why I fell in love or if I even did... I know I want to love him and to do that I have to get to know him as if we just met today.. Can I fall in love with him now depends on who I find him to really be.. Am I a horrible person? Probably, especially if the answer to the third question turns out to be no.

My Process: Let him know who I really am, I have tried to be sincere but I know there are times I do and say things because it's appropriate, expected or desired by someone other than myself. That meant telling him when he did something I didn't like and/or didn't understand, asking for his forgiveness when I made mistakes (which, if you know me, is pretty much a daily occurence). It meant telling him my thoughts and feelings about anything and everything even when I am embarrassed to admit them; telling him my likes and dislikes even when they didn't coincide with his.

Find out who he really is, without putting my rose colored glasses on about who I think he should be.. That meant accepting that he doesn't always say yes when I want something, he doesn't always agree with me, he doesn't always want to hang out with the same people or in the same places I do, sometimes he just wants to stay in and turn the tv off to talk about issues I would rather distract myself from (I once heard that true love makes you face all the things you try to hide and deal with your past and personality issues.. I believe that now). That also meant knowing all the above are not negative aspects of a relationship.

I had to see my true self and change the things that are ugly when I have to look in the mirror (so to speak.. and I am still working on this one). I know everyone says you shouldn't change yourself for a relationship, and that's true when you are talking about pretending to be someone you are not.. But not so true when you are talking about things that truly are negative attributes you possess. That meant making myself vulnerable (which, especially when you come from a broken home, is not easy in any respect). It meant being accountable to someone about the things I see in myself that, if I were looking at someone else with these traits, are not becoming in any way.. For me it meant working on my temper, my sharp tongue, my need to have the last word... (A friend of mine, Justin, told me "you don't always have to jump to your own defence, you don't have to bring someone down just because you feel attacked in some way.. You need to be confident enough to know that really when people attack you verbally in public or you find out they have behind your back, it says more about who they are than what kind of person you are" he's right, that was probably one of the most valuable pieces of advice I have received in a lifetime.) That also meant realizing my fears and short-falls and letting them go, allowing myself to live confidently in spite of them. ("Courage is not the absence of fear..." Author unknown) I had to accept, other people may watch and judge and I understand that has no bearing on our relationship... And if he let it change anything that's on him.

I put the work in, put the time in... There were a few arguments but always underlying love and understanding we were growing something real and we would have to pull out some weeds every once in a while... Love isn't easy, it's hard work but it's worth it.

I began realizing that my parents splitting up when I was nine shaped the majority of my opinions on relationships and does affect the way I act in my relationships.. Giving him permission to show me when my past is affecting our relationship and if I'm angry trying to wait to respond once I've had the chance to think about it and realize he's right.. When I don't wait, apologizing about my reaction. I had to talk myself through a lot of this, making myself realize I do deserve to allow myself to be loved and to love back, just because my parents split doesn't mean my relationships have to.

He wants to love me and I am going to let him.. I want to love him, honestly, truly, deeply, so much I would die for him, without embarrassment or reservation, with reckless abandon, no matter who is or who isn't watching, I want to love him as good, or if it were possible, even better better than he loves me.

So I challenge you to do what I have done... I can tell you now, it worked for me, I am still in that relationship, people are watching and they recognize the raw truth in it... I know, it's almost enough to make you sick! Ha! I think this would work for any relationship.. Give the relationship time and work.. If it's old or new just try it.. Give the other person credit, be honest about how your feeling and tell them the plan to work on it, they will appreciate the honesty and know you're actually serious about making this work..

You may be surprised to know I've told you about my relationship with God.. Don't shut it down yet, hear me (or read me) out.. I have 5 uncles, a grammie and many cousins who are pastors, I have seen healing and miracles happen in front of my eyes.. I believed in God, knew he was real but wanted nothing more to do with a God who didn't talk to me about my life or who I couldn't hear his voice with anything to do with my life. I didn't want him talking to me about other people if he wasn't talking to me about myself.. Then I realized, I wanted to give him the chance, if for nothing else, so I could walk away with a clear conscience... I honestly put in the time and effort and it worked.. I'm not sure I wasn't surprised but I was glad. The Bible says "Taste and see that the Lord is good" you would only say you didn't like something without trying it if you were a child (or immature) so I'm just asking you to give God the chance you would give a new flavor of ice cream.. If I'm wrong, prove it to yourself by honestly trying the relationship. Do it ALL THE WAY!

PS. I'm not wrong